So today was a day where even I have to admit my paranoia got ridiculous.
So today was a good/bad day. It was a good day in that I found a fiver between the pages of a book I was taking out at work. It was also a bad day in that I didn’t get shortlisted for a job in the Library I had applied for.
Win some lose some.
I was checking my emails when I saw I had an email from someone I didn’t know.
I’m guessing the fact it was addressed to ‘JILLETT’ should have been a sign that it was not a legitimate email. But I read on curiously and it said:
‘Don’t be offended with my words but your skin is not good’
I only read the first line before I panicked and went into fight or flight mode and marked the email as a scam and deleted it and felt really down.
I realised an embarrassing amount of time later that it was a spam email. When I actually braved reading the email it couldn’t have been more spam. Whereas all the emails I get offering me Viagra or Russian Ladies have done little to upset me, I realised this played on my deepest insecurity.
As a teenager I had beautifully clear skin, but don’t worry I naturally found every single other part of my body including my fingers to be utterly repulsive, so I appreciated my good skin very little.
I started getting spots in my third year of University. I remember one day I was drawing with some guys on my course and one of them drew a picture of me and started stabbing the page with a red pencil to show my acne scars.
He was a dick.
I by all accounts have acne now. I have a hormonal imbalance not unlike PCOS which has caused my acne.
It also causes me to have a very infrequent menstrual cycle, with a ‘phantom’ period taking place around the point I should have one naturally, and I have a faintly hairy upper lip.
At least I thought it was faint. I shaved it once as it seemed to be a bit noticeable, and I told my boyfriend about it.
My boyfriend, bless him, believes in honesty. Whereas sometimes this is great (like when he says I am the love of his life I know he means it) other times, like when he says ‘Oh yeah, I noticed you had a bit of a ‘tache’ it is not so great.
So this spam email I got today, which was totally just going on the basis that Female Name=Female=Insecurity=Must prey on insecurity with scam, actually hit the nail on the head about my deepest insecurity at the moment.
I can handle the fact I am overweight, because I am losing it. But my skin started being bad when I was thin, and there is no telling if it will get better when I lose the weight.
So it’s great to know I crumble when confronted with a spam email.
I’ve got to get a grip.
The fact is I don’t wear make up, I don’t wear concealer, there is plenty I could do to make my face look better, but I don’t. Because in a perverse way I want to know if someone is going to judge me because of my skin.
When I had better skin if I got a spot I would be miserable and pretty much be in a strop for ages.
The fact that I have no problem leaving the house without makeup must show a certain degree of confidence right?
Maybe I am getting better at giving less of a S*** about things.