Sweet Charity

I had a bit of a low moment whilst out with the boy tonight.

Let’s backtrack to yesterday. Yesterday I was unable to cover my bills for the next month, and had to borrow £600 off the boy.

I have no savings.

Our original plan for this Friday was a Twin Peaks night with friends. Due to a low turn out this was cancelled and instead the boy, his pal and I went out for a meal and to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2 .

Even though our cinema is £4 a ticket, which meant when my brother who lives in London came to visit he demanded to know how anyone could be poor in Cardiff with prices like that, the boy still paid.

He paid for the meal.

He paid for my cola.

Because I could have taken the money out of a hole in the wall and paid ‘my way’ but it wouldn’t have been, would it? It would have been his money either way.

When you have a debt you should pay it back at whatever cost.

The boy has his own dreams and goals and expenses and things to do with his life. He doesn’t need to be £1000 in the hole because of me.

I heard back from the line manager of the last catering job I had before moving into admin. I had asked her if it was possible to join for weekend work, and to be fair I did sort of want the moon on a stick by saying I couldn’t start before June, and the last bank holiday in May is kind of like THEIR BIGGEST DAY OF THE ENTIRE YEAR, MORE SO THAN THEIR NEW YEARS EVE EVENT, 10000 PLUS PEOPLE THROUGH THE DOORS!!! as it is the bestie’s wedding then. Which the boy is paying for on account of I HAVE BEEN INCAPABLE WITH MONEY ALL MY LIFE.

I don’t want to be like ‘Boo Hoo Hoo, woe is me’ about things, but I never learnt to save because during the years of the mum being an alcoholic if I had money in my room she would steal it to buy booze, and it would never be replaced, so I spent it as soon as I had it because that way I could gain something from it.

Then there were the years of my Dad’s bankruptcy, and if I had money he would borrow it, which to be fair was to buy groceries or electricity, but then never replace it.

I remember once I lent him £20 of my Christmas money. He still hadn’t paid me back by the time I was going to go out with my friends and I plucked up the courage to ask for it back. I didn’t know how bad things were at this point. He gave it to me, but not before screaming at me that I was an ingrate and selfish and that my brother’s hadn’t been so evil to have asked for their money back.

So I spent, because if I didn’t my money would stop being my money and become someone else’s and vanish into thin air.

I became desperate to own things.

Now I have to pay it back.

Published by flodebtfreediary

Hello, I write about food, debt, saving money, mental health and social anxiety.

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