This Can’t Be Solved With Tea

I may need to go and rework my previous countdown of posts regarding my worst moments of anxiety because I have had a clear #5 at least.

I used to volunteer at a local arts centre in my town as an usher for their cinema, theatre and whether was putting on a show.

After a four month absence due to my terrible anxiety I decided to go back and I was there tonight to usher a comedy night.

Except this is what happened.

I became so overwhelmed that I asked the boy (who had come with me) if he would take over on volunteer duties (he is a volunteer too), then had a full blown panic attack, tried to explain to the lovely front of house staff why I couldn’t do it but instead ended up crying and panicking further and the boy and I left. We got a taxi home and I just silently cried the whole way home as it is clear that I have failed as a fully functioning human being.

In the past when I said I had social anxiety, it was true, it is true, but I always felt like I was perhaps embellishing the truth because I still was high functioning, I could mostly talk to people, I just found it difficult. I felt like unless I was a gibbering mess at any social interaction then I didn’t really have social anxiety.

But I do, and I don’t know why but no matter what I do, no matter what medication I go on, how much of it, what dosage, no matter how much I avoid bad situations or confront them my anxiety is getting worse.

I freak out if people innocently walk too close to me.

It takes me what feels like half a year to form a sentence to new people.

If I have to make a phone call I get very worked up and it can take me hours before I pluck up the courage to dial.

I am becoming ever more and more incompetent as a human being.

I once, I think at the time jokingly, said my ideal job would be sitting in a room, alone, working with spreadsheets, and not having to ever talk to anyone.

I think that really would be my dream job.

I am friendly, I am to an extent social, but around people I don’t know, people that aren’t vetted in my mind as to being safe, well I panic. I think I am under attack at any given moment.

And I am. From myself.