Same Old Scene

I have a 5 year diary, which I bought in Waterstones, on January 1st 2015.

I can tell you exactly what I did that day. I went and spent my Primark voucher on Office Smart Clothes so that 2015 could be the year I moved from Catering work to Admin work.

It was. I guess those clothes were lucky.

Having a five year diary is great, because it frequently means I will go to the boy ‘Oh look, on this day last year we won 8-2 at the football!’ and I can feel all lovely and happy reminiscing.

But having a five year diary is also a curse, because in a major way there will be a point in the calendar when I am confronted with the entries I made that detailed the demise of my beloved Uncle from early onset dementia and his far too sudden death.

In a smaller but still significant way, I will see that I am now in my third year of having the same problems.

That I am overweight.

That I am financially incapable.

That I am socially anxious.

That I am falling behind.

I am in the third year of having the same problems. Really the problems existed before 2015, it’s just that I have the documentation since 2015.

This leads me to a question.

WHY THE F*** HAVEN’T I LOST WEIGHT/GOT OUT OF DEBT/CURED MY ANXIETY/CAUGHT UP?

How many more years am I going to be overweight, socially anxious and debt ridden until I finally get my s*** together?

I lamented to the boy that I feel like it is one step forward and fifty billion steps back when it comes to solving my problems. This is why I distrust happiness or when times are good because I’m like ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah WHAT’S THE CATCH?’

I am still the same weight I was in 2015.

I am, unfortunately, in more debt than I was in 2015.

I am worse in terms of my social anxiety than I was in 2015.

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

I think I really have to start digging deep about what is causing all this. The obvious answer  is counselling, but I can’t afford that. And I don’t mean I can’t afford it because it will interfere with my faberge egg habit but I can’t afford it because I wouldn’t be able to exist if I had to pay for counselling as well.

I need help.