Tentative Steps Towards a Better Future

At the Wedding yesterday I decided how I wanted to live my life going forward.

I want to ‘Let People In’.

At the Wedding as Bridesmaid I was one of the key guests, a role I found ‘terrifying’ but even though in the days preceding the Wedding I was worried I was going to ruin the day somehow, you won’t be surprised to hear that I didn’t.

Even though I did initially stand on the wrong side at the ceremony. Something that no one noticed and is in itself kind of a ‘non’ mistake.

Instead I was surrounded by lovely people, all eager to get to know one another, share the love, celebrate the special day and talk and mingle.

I had one of the best days of my life yesterday, not 2017, life.

I want to let people in. I don’t want to be closed off.

Do you remember when Lana Del Rey first appeared and there was that Saturday Night Live sketch where the actress portraying Lana Del Rey says something along the lines of ‘I know people think I’m stand offish, distance and weird, but there’s a very good reason for that, I am stand offish, distance and weird.”

Well, I mean, as much as I hate Facebook and telling people about my problems there have been many times when I wanted to do something like ‘release a statement’ and just post about my social anxiety and explain to my Facebook feed that the reason I haven’t seen my friends who live in the same town as me for a year, and the reason why I don’t text or call or message people is not because I hate them or because I’m being a hateful dick (just a dick) but because social interactions terrify me in a way that nothing other than spiders and a weirder, more specific fear do.

I’m not saying I’m going to be ‘This Years Most Open Person’ instantly. And that forming intimacies with people is more than just me deciding to tell them about my life, it’s about being there for them when they’re suffering, when they’re in pain, when they need me.

But I need to start by forming a new version of the relationships I have with my friends. I guess part of my problem was I was determined to try and have the same life with them, the late nights, the out and about drinking, the clubs and pubs. The problem is those things scare me now. Not to an impossible standard, but I’m much happier with a calm and pleasant coffee morning somewhere, or a nice lunch, then going to ‘sweat-tro’s’

I’m not going to expect my hard partying friends to give up how they best like to socialise, maybe we can meet half way.

I had spoken before about how I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to cope with a proper wedding if me and the boy decide to get married.

Well yesterday was damn fantastic. And I want that for me. My friend’s and family would love to share a special day with me and/or the boy, I don’t just mean a wedding, I barely celebrate my birthday even though I have many friend’s who would love to join me for something.

Let them in Flo.

Published by flodebtfreediary

Hello, I write about food, debt, saving money, mental health and social anxiety.

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