It’s one step forward and 50 billion steps back

I get ridiculously excited by receiving post. I’ll admit in the years I was hiding from my credit card bills it did slightly wane, but it is back with a vengeance now.

I remember as a kid I used to excitedly bring my parents their letters in bed and they would be like ‘gee, thanks’ because obviously it was depressing bills they were getting in the post, but I love all letters, in fact I (now) especially love financial letters.

Any excuse to update my spreadsheets.

In the spirit of full disclosure I will tell you one of my embarrassing secrets.

Everyday after I work I call the boy and I get through the bare minimum of ‘how was your day?’ before I demand to know if I got any post.

I then, and please don’t judge me, I then ask him to send me a picture of my post if I had some.

This is so I can imagine what is in the letters and feel happy.

Yes, forget the whole social anxiety thing, this is what makes me a freak.

Anywho, today the post betrayed me, because in the post was the letter I knew I was going to get but had hoped that for some reason I wouldn’t.

Today I got the letter from my employer telling me I had exceeded my sick day allowance and that every sick day from the 13th of June (the second day into my prolonged absence from work) would be at half pay, and that my next payday would reflect that.

My next payday is next week.

I have just had a month off work.

My pay is going to be half what it usually is.

So…..I am a little bit STRESSED TO THE GILLS!

I was in a bit of a strop when I got home on account of the hot weather and the fact that parts of my body I didn’t know had sweat glands were sweating, so I was a bit pouty to the boy and was going ‘Christmas is cancelled’

I need to make a cool £600.

But, today I worked out that in order to pay for upcoming expenses (taxes, seeing family) I need another £250 on top of my disposable income.

PLUS I owe the boy £150.

So I need a cool, or uncool (I’m not fussy) £1000.


I have two options.

  1. Sell everything I own.
  2. Get a weekend job.

This presents two problems.

  1. On account of me never being able to afford anything of value the combined total of everything I own is about 50p.
  2. Most weekend jobs involve a great deal of customer service and whilst I am feeling stronger than ever, I still don’t want to assault my precarious socially anxious mind with scary, scary interacting with the peoples of the world.

The boy has very kindly, and very reasonably, said if he can have first dibs on certain items of mine he covets, such as my DSLR camera, my X Files Box set and my Brit Pop comics, he will forgo a rent payment from me this month. Which I do not have to pay back. Ever.

And I responded to this act of kindness by demanding to know why he was being so nice to me. Because of the whole I HATE MYSELF feelings.

I know I could do this and survive. I know I could cut back on my debt payments, whilst still paying them off, and manage my other bills.

I also know this. That no matter the circumstances I will feel like a failure if I don’t pay off my overdraft this year. That February was the month I paid the least towards my debt this year and I am determined that there will be no new lowest amount.

If you are reading this and you are maxing out your credit cards, or you are permanently in your overdraft, or you have loans and debts you aren’t prioritising, then please, take my advice.

Using credit may buy you the must have item NOW, but it will inhibit you for longer than the item is under warranty for.

Credit doesn’t help you afford the life you want, it leads you to not affording the life you have.


Published by flodebtfreediary

Hello, I write about food, debt, saving money, mental health and social anxiety.

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