I Live to Survive

The fall out from payday wasn’t catastrophic. I still needed to sell all my possessions to the boy, but I did not accrue any more debt. I even gave the boy £50 towards my debt to him meaning in just 2 1/2 months my debt to him has gone from over £1000 to £100. I can feel the end of that debt is nigh.

The day before payday, when I had to borrow £5 off the boy just to survive that day, when I had to raid my loose change tin for the money equivalent of shrapnel, I didn’t know what the next day would bring. I don’t get my pay slip in advance of payday. I didn’t know what the situation would be.

But I knew I was fortunate and that somehow I would survive, and I would live to tell the tale for another month.

Which is why I emptied my wallet of the remaining change into the hand of a person living on the street. Because if I was going to survive another month I wanted someone else to as well.

I went to bed at 12 that day (that morning?) and got up at 5am the next day (same day?) and the relief I felt over not having to suffer, not getting more into debt, that I have the ability to give myself some disposable spending money was so sweet.

My menstrual cycle had been AWOL in recent weeks but it went back to normal that day. A poet would see some sort of significance to that. I was just glad I had the money now to buy tampons.

I went to work and had my bubble burst by a colleague saying they had so much money they didn’t even notice it was payday.

I am still at a crosswords. I have re entered the thoughts of perhaps needing a weekend job. There’s a website I like called MiniMoneyBlog and I was reading the author’s latest blog post about how he became debt free by the age of 24.  He would have seen having a full time week job and a weekend job as easy living compared to what he did. But I am conflicted because on the one hand I feel I should be doing everything to clear my debt, but on the other I have at long last realised I am too hard on myself and that maybe believing I should be suffering to clear my debt would lead to my 19th nervous breakdown.

I think I need my weekends.

I feel good, but being ‘hormonal’ means it could all fall down. Must ignore my stupid emotions.

Published by flodebtfreediary

Hello, I write about food, debt, saving money, mental health and social anxiety.

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