In a Cage (On Prozac)

What would my life be like if instead of fearing the worse in every situation, I anticipated the best?

If I woke up excited for all the wonders that would fill my day instead of awaiting the potential (and often unrealised) horrors?

If I believed that I could change my life for the better?

That I wasn’t doomed to be overweight, in debt and socially incapable all my life?

If I reminded myself of all my good points instead of sending a constant stream of abuse my way?

If I didn’t torture myself?

If I focused on my achievements instead of my mistakes?

If I could just say one nice thing to myself?

I think my life would be pretty good if I could do that.

I must try.

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt

You won’t be surprised to hear that nothing went wrong on my first day in my new job.

Although it was overwhelming in the early part of the day by the end of it I had a sense of calm that whilst I had a long way to go, I was going to learn how to do it.

Everyone was lovely and it seems very relaxed but it doesn’t seem like I will be bored.

The trouble is, I distrust good things happening to me. As much as I want good things to come my way when they do I wonder what the catch is. Or how long will it be till my life implodes again.

And the truth is I feel like suffering should be my default state because if I am honest deep down it is all I feel I deserve.

But that is a stupid way to feel and I am growing tired of treating myself so badly.

Imagine what my life would be like if instead of feeding myself negative thoughts I replaced them with a bit of kindness?

Do you know what the boy’s catch phrase is?

‘I’m the best!’

Do you know what he says when I ask him who he loves most?

‘Me’

He has a T-Shirt his friend made for him which has his face on and ‘I’m kind of a big deal’ written on it.

Imagine what I could have achieved with just a smidge of that confidence.

The trouble is I don’t want to look ‘arrogant’, as if saying ‘I’m probably not the worse person in the world’ will make people dislike me for being stuck up.

But I am prepared to lose a few followers or likes just to say this, as I feel it is important to my mental development.

I am Flo, and I’m brilliant.

An important lesson has been learnt

This morning I took part in a 10K Race event in my city.

A combination of ill health, injury, lack of sleep, ill preparation, running late, you name it and I was feeling anxious and scared and far from the best of spirits.

To be frank I was being a twat again.

It was a real struggle.

To be honest, I keep putting myself into events, and I always have a good time, but I can never escape the fear of being the last person across the line, no matter how much preparation I do or how little that belief would become reality.

So I wasn’t in the best of states mentally, but I grinned and bared it and sometimes grimaced rather than grinned, but I did have a good time (eventually).

It was really tough though, I have a few 10k’s under my belt, and normally I find them tough but doable, but today was just tough.

By the time I got to the 5k point I really considered dropping out.

The Boy, who was also racing, later admitted that he wasn’t sure I would even begin given how I was feeling/acting at the start.

Needless to say, I wasn’t the last person across the line even though I walked the vast majority of it, and I even managed to run the last bit of it.

I am so glad I took part and that I completed it, because what I learnt (lesson time here folks) is that it really is the taken part that counts.

I’m sorry for telling you all a long established truth.

Who cares if you are the last person across the line? I was once the last person across the line in a 5k Park Run and I would say I survived the humiliation but there was no humiliation to bare.

Look, I’m overweight (my BMI tells me I am obese), I don’t have much time to train what with working a 60 hour week when you include travel and I have to deal with a brain that wants to sabotage me at any given moment.

Another lesson I learnt today is NEVER PUT YOURSELF DOWN.

Because if you put yourself down you might as well give permission for other people to put you down, and as I learnt recently you should never let other people describe you.

So I am Flo, the champion of 10K’s and today is Wrestlemania day, which the boy and I have decided is where we go on our honeymoon (if we ever get married as we are both a bit unsure of that business)